Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!




There's one born every minute, let the sucker parade continue. I'm too exhausted to be my normal vicious self, but just so you know, I am sneering, oh I am sneering with gusto.

Observe from to day's Daily Wail, that's right Wail.



"When Sabrina Fallon heard banging noises coming from her attic, she was understandably concerned and called the police.

Officers found no sign of a break-in, however, and joked that it might have been a ghost.

Unfortunately, Mrs Fallon didn't see the funny side.

She claims the banging was followed by a series of strange happenings, including doors slamming shut, the ghost of a little girl appearing on the landing and, bizarrely, even her own dressing gown floating down the stairs.

And the council's solution to her months of torment? To pay for an exorcism, of course!

Now, through the power of prayer, holy water and protective salt circles, Mrs Fallon says she and her family have finally been left in peace.

Mrs Fallon, 23, moved into the three-bedroom council house in Peterlee, County Durham, with her husband Martin and two children in June last year.

They first contacted "ghostbuster" Suzanne Hadwin in December.

"She sent her spiritual guide to the house," Mrs Fallon said yesterday. "Me being me, I was waiting for a knock at the door.'

"We got a call back later that night from Suzanne who said there was a male in the house. She said he was really angry and that he was after my youngest daughter Amy who is only 16 months old.

"It was terrifying. Suzanne didn't even know that I had two children, let alone their names. She knew everything - even the colour of the walls in our home. She said this male figure wanted to possess my daughter's body in order to relive his life. His name was Peter and he was a poltergeist.

Ghosthunter Suzanne Hadwin was paid by Easington District council to perform an exorcism at the Fallon family home in Peterlee

"After that the banging got worse. He was also trying to make physical contact and on one occasion I felt a hand touch my shoulder."

Later that month they decided enough was enough and called in Miss Hadwin herself.

"When I saw the girl at the top of the stairs I thought I must have been seeing things," said Mrs Fallon.

"I tried to put it to the back of my mind but kept hearing this banging coming from the loft and whispering.

"I called the police one night suspecting that it may be thieves but they couldn't find anything and suggested it might be ghosts. It was then that I called Suzanne for help."

Mrs Fallon, whose 24-year- old husband quit his job as a lorry driver to protect his wife and children, was later told by a council worker of a murder at the property 50 years ago.

"I couldn't believe it," she said. "They said a man had killed his wife on the landing using a fire poker. It seems he then hanged himself."

Miss Hadwin offered to carry out an exorcism for £120.

Unable to afford the fee Mrs Fallon, whose elder daughter Shannon is nine, went to the council, which agreed to pay half.

The exorcism was carried out on December 27 and the Fallons say they have since been left in peace.

Miss Hadwin, 35, of Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, said: "I realised there was a very bad spirit in the house and there had been a murder there.

"Sabrina was absolutely terrified. She told the council that she didn't want to stay in the house and that's when they agreed to help pay."

She added: "I got rid of the poltergeist by laying salt circles in the house as areas of protection for the family.

"I then used the power of prayer, sprinkled holy water and called in some angels to take the spirit to the place he needed to be taken."

A spokesman for Easington District Council said it agreed to pay half of the exorcism because the family were "extremely distressed" and the alternative was £40-per-night emergency accommodation."

OH my, she laid salt circles, and called in some angels? She CALLED IN some angels to take the eveeeeel sprit. What, are angels just sitting around, playing cards, waiting calls about for haunted council houses? She called them in? Don't they have anything better to do? Where did they 'take' the poltergeist? Is there a poltergeist holding cell? Poltergeist courts?
I particularly laughed when I read Sabrina's husband quit his job to 'protect' his family? How was he planing to do that? SUrely fighting a poltergeist takes some training? Would fighting one be like fighting plaque? Invisible warfare? Surely if all he needed to do was lay salt circles and dial up some layabout angels, why the need to quit his job? Surely he could have done all that on a Satdee morning?
I like this ghostbuster's job though. She doesn't even have to show up to the 'haunting site' she can send her 'spiritual guide' along. Awesome. I'd like a gig like that. Between that and 'distant healing' I could make a bloody fortune and STILL stay in my jammies.

And then there's this. "Suzanne didn't even know that I had two children, let alone their names. She knew everything - even the colour of the walls in our home."
Hum, 23 year old woman living in a council house, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest having children would NOT be unusual. And even though my spiritual guide is off playing poker with some corporeal chums right now, I'm guessing, no- sensing the living room walls are... I"m seeing a yellow colour, a sort of cream yellow? Does that mean anything to you? Primrose? Yes thats it. that's what my guide tell me. Sorry, he just popped back in for a 'mo.
Despite the fact that this 'terrified tenant' saw a dead girl, which seem to have little to do with a man murdering his wife 50 years before hand, the 'poltergeist' turned out to be a dude called Peter. Funny how none of the tenets saw him, including the protective and brave husband. But then those pesky poltergeist are sneaky that way. Always making sure never to appear in front of say, oh I don't know, non idiots.
In the end of the day 120 of somebody's finest pounds was spent to chase old Pesky Poltergeist Pete back to the spirit world, where doubtless he and the lay about angels are high fiving each other and plotting their next ghostly charade. They'll kick back ten percent of their earnings to the ghostbuster, after all without the salt shaking and incantations of woo, they'd be pretty short on gigs and cash and everybody knows angels and poltergeists like cold hard cash.
Right?

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35 Comments:

Blogger Dr. James McInerney said...

Ha ha. The husband gave up his job to protect his family. Class!!

I bet his mates feel stupid now for calling him a lazy b*****d, he was protecting his family.

10:02 a.m.  
Blogger The Bad Ambassador said...

Those plaque fighting adverts... grrrr! A curse on the exec who came up with that one. And those white suits!

10:04 a.m.  
Blogger Caro said...

Is it not a bit chilly to be standing round in short sleeves?

10:23 a.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Maybe if he had have kept his job he wouldn't have had to scab of the council. What a load of bollox.
I don't believe in spirits or the likes but in the wee hours of the morning should I hear a nose that my imagination and I think is of ghostly nature, I would be buried under the duvet, shit scared. Are you like this or are you just not afraid?

10:34 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It is genius Docky, I'm only sorry I didn't think of it.
BA, those ads make me laugh, they really do.

Nonny, not afraid in the slightest. I don't believe in ghosts. I'd have a picnic in a graveyard at midnight on the 31st of October if it wasn't so utterly over the top.
Caro! The angels are probably keeping her toasty.

Right off to the supermarket I go, laters.

10:57 a.m.  
Blogger Lou said...

The council are saying they only paid half now... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7240405.stm

I think I should set myself up as a ghostbuster. I could start haunting attics dressed in a sheet, going woogy woogy at stupid tenants, then when they call me for the exorcism I can tell them EVERYTHING about the house. Would be very convincing...

11:32 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Money well spent. Sure people spend far more money on folderols like HiDef TVs when there's no HiDef broadcasting yet.

11:38 a.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

No I don't believe either, it's just usually late at night when I’m home alone and can’t sleep. It is odd because I would not be afraid of a person, if I thought it was a burglar, I’d be down the stairs like a light, “Who goes there” I would holler most bravely.


In unrelated news, is the next pre marathon race the mini marathon?

11:42 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

And it's not even April 1st! Har!

Mind you, some older council houses have linked loft spaces, so a row of six would have no dividing walls betwen the lofts - maybe their next door neighbour hs been letting out the loft space to some asylum seekers, and they came out the wrong loft hatch door!
I love the idea of the ghostbuster sending her spirit guide in her place. Excellent way to fleece the gullible!

11:50 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Do you think I could send my spirit guide to work for me while I stay snuggled in bed?

12:02 p.m.  
Blogger Dr. James McInerney said...

Why didn't they just give her a tinfoil hat? Only costs about 20p.

12:50 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't know folks, between Scotty and psychic guides, it's just hard to even bother turning in a day's work any more.

1:21 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Nonny-bupa 10k in april, phoenix Park.

1:22 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

and what is tha average time to complete that an hour? I'll have to get the little mofo to hold my hand.

1:49 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

This is a job for Derek Acorah! He'll show up, shout insults at Pete the Poltergeist, claim he feels residual energy from daaahhhk satahhhnic rrritchoools, then Cath will panic and scream, Dave the sound guy will pass out, and Yvette will weep with fear.

yes, I know all their names. I watch every week, howling with glee.

Of course, having said all that, I'm open-minded. What we don't know about matter and energy is a lot - and paranormal doesn't necessarily mean ghosts. In all likelihood they've got some unsecured pipes that are banging together, possibly some chemicals or molds that can cause hallucinations, maybe some bad electrical wiring issues that can cause that feeling of being 'watched' and a sense of unease...

The FIRST people they need to call is a good plumber/electrician, not a psychic!

1:58 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Derek Acorah should be punched in the throat repeatedly.

2:57 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I will ALWAYS love him for the accents the 'spooks' make him use. Plus "mary loves Dick' is a classic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEP0usvErRI

Just classic.

3:06 p.m.  
Anonymous Sam, Problemchildbride said...

I would not be scared of a poltergheist with a County Durham accent - it'd be all "Eee, by 'eck, happen you're oop for a meikle haunting, eh?"

I might be scared of her though.

3:28 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Snarf muchly FMC - who is this Mary and can I get her number?

3:40 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

That woman should be locked up for stoking a mother's paranoia that some spectre is out for her child. Like there aren't enough loonies taking breath who want to nab a kid, now you have to worry about the dead taking them?
Outrageous.

5:55 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's what they do Medbh, head straight for the weak spot.
Now, I'm just back from the gym, excuse me while I vomit.

7:37 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Oh, you're so disciplined, FMC. We went to the museum today instead of the gym.
Bah.
The snow, the snow is smothering us!

1:28 a.m.  
Anonymous laughykate said...

I used to say ghosts schmosts. But I do have to share something. I was doing a series of ghost stories a few years back - most of them were old tales made up to add character to places and I made the odd one up, purely for entertainment purposes. However there was one place that supposedly had a fierce ghostly presence-it was a great old country home which had then become a place run by priests for wayward boys. It had been empty for years and its new owners had turned it into an upmarket B&B and were they were wanting a bit of publicity and were running a radio competition to see if they could get people to spend the night in what had been a shower block. They had(I think) three tough-as-nails hard men attempt to stay the night. One lasted five minutes down there, one fifteen and one about an hour and a half. Anyway, a few weeks later we go in there, cynical as ever, to do our story. And it was the SPOOKIEST think I have ever encountered. I felt really sick at the back of my throat, (as did the guy I was with - and we didn't talk about that until after we were out of there) but there was a really wierd, intense type pressure in a particular shower cubicle (it was concrete block). I can't explain it but it was the most creepy thing i have ever experienced, it was like I couldn't go in.There was a wierd pressure trying to keep me out. But there was nothing THERE. And I turned and said exactly that to the owners and they grinned and said that was what most people felt. Anyway, the guy I was with walked quietly up to me and whispered, 'This is fucking awful, get me out of here.' Later on we were walking down a part of the grounds and I had to take a particular route - as I was walking I stopped, turned around and said, 'This is too strange and it's the third time this is happened to me. I just felt sick in the back of my throat - the first time happened when I was coming down the back stairs in the house - but i just put that down to bad coffee, then it happened in the shower block and now it's happening here.' Again the owners laughed (smug fuckers) and said that that is what most people said, and pointed out that I was walking over what used to be an old graveyard full of catholic priests (they had since been exhumed and planted somewhere else). I don't know what it was, but there was something seriously wrong going on there. To this day the guy I was with still rates it as one of the creepiest experiences of his career.

3:08 a.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Off topic, FMC:

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/02/11/patty.hearst.ap/index.html

Batman will be cuter.

4:09 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sounds creepy LK.
Medbh, he will be, and better dressed. But her pup is awful cute.

8:11 a.m.  
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