Regular readers to this blog will know I get ever so slightly hot under the collar every time that fucking mumbo jumbo bollocky bull wank Reiki is mentioned anywhere near me. It really does have the capacity to blow a fuse deep in my brain. It enrages me that fucking hucksters and snake oil peddlers prey on the feeble minded and the sick to shill them out of their money. ENRAGES me I tell you. it makes me want to kick things clear across the room. If I was Queen they would be first to the wall, believe me.
But-while scoffing down bacon and eggs not one hour ago-I have since learned that it is not JUST reiki-spit spit- that can send me to the abyss of howling fury. In fact I was horrified to find that ' Practitioners of Animal Telepathy' have the very same bloody effect.
This is not good. I don't need that level of hostility rising within me when I am trying to eat. I should probably start switching off the radio during breakfast. Or stop listening to Brenda Power at any rate. I may have mentioned this before. Why do I torture myself so?
WHAT LEVEL OF FUCKING HALF WIT BELIEVES IN ANIMAL TELEPATHY?
Well it turns out that our country is RAMPANT with fucking half wits. Not five minutes after the fraud and huckster was on some other idiot rang the bloody show and wanted to send a PICTURE of her DOG to the 'healer' so that the 'healer and telepath' could READ the dog's mind via the fucking photo. When Brenda Power said, 'Make sure it's a clear picture where you can see the dogs eyes, that's very important' I gave up trying to eat, flung my breakfast into the bigger of the cats, kicked the press under the sink and tore in here to look online.
Could this be true? Are we really over run with simpletons?
It would appear so.
I found a web page, oh what a web page. I have been reading it, steam rising gently from my ears.
Here, allow me to share with you some of the wonder claims made by these oh so gifted individuals.
"I offer hypnotherapy (analytical and suggestion), Past Life Regression therapy, Tapas Acupressure, Reiki or Integrated Energy Therapy (Healing with the Energy of Angels), and I have to say I really enjoy my work! When a person comes to see me, they are offered a safe, confidential service. They can choose one of the therapies on it's own, or sometimes a combination of various therapies can prove useful. It is like calling a plumber to your house - he comes with a bag of tools, and won't know which tool will be necessary until he assesses the situation. Both Reiki and the Integrated Energy Therapy are also available to animals to help them kick-start their immune systems. Any therapies offered to either humans or animals are not a substitute for medical or veterinarian treatment, but can serve a purpose as a "complementary therapy." Absent healing can also be organised."
"Baby Whispering: Jane has recently been asked to use her telepathic abilities to communicate with small babies, which she calls ‘Baby Whispering’ as she can relate how they are feeling, what they are seeing and areas of pain, as well as asking specific questions, something that has helped greatly in treatment and diagnosis. However she will only do this for babies under medical care and with the permission of their doctor."
"I am a Reiki Master/teacher. An animal trainer and behaviourist for many years, I have found that the holistic approach to problems can bring about rapid results. Reiki Works for you and your animal companion. Stressed out humans and animals benefit greatly from Reiki therapy. Balance the energy of mind, body and soul. Non invasive hands on healing."
"I have been a member of the Bi-Aura Foundation since 2002. I treat a variety of ailments from people being simply run down and tired all the time, migraine, arthritis and the list goes on. I also treat animals big and small. If you require further information please do not hesitate to contact me for a chat."
Sweet Chulutha on a unicycle. The Bi-Aura foundation? That's this crowd, http://www.bi-aura.com/ Saying you've been a member is like saying you've been with a traveling circus for a few years, so bloody what? Just because it has a dicky official sounding title doesn't make it any less of a breeding ground for purveyors of poppycockery, they're just better organised.
Ask yourself this chumlies! Why will the fucking baby whisperer only 'do' her shit for a baby under medical care? If she's just 'reading' the babies minds why the need for a doctor's permission? Wouldn't the parent's permission do just as well. Surely the baby can 'okay' it too, since it appear to be so chatty.
How bloody convenient that the huckster shower have moved on to animals to read.
Picture the scene. Having forked over her hard earned money for a session, a lady is astounded to be tol...
'Hi Mrs Quin, Bobby tell me he's a little sad today.'
'Really? Why?" Lifts overweight pug onto lap.
'He's telling me he feels fear of abandonment. Have you left his for an unusually long time recently?'
'Oh my God, I DID leave him, remember I told you a few weeks back about my daughter's wedding. OH gosh, I had to leave him at home all day.'
'Ah, that's it, that's what he trying to show me. He says he was alone for hours, and very frightened.'
'Oh Bobby, I never knew! I'm so sorry.'
'He's telling me he forgives you.'
'Oh Bobby!'
Cold reading, guess work and good memory for details previously learned. Shit, who doesn't leave their dog alone. And it's not like Bobby can suddenly pipe up, 'Steady on old chap, I'm feeling rather fine today. I was just wondering when we can get the hell out of this stuffy front room and go have some lunch.'
The plumber analogy is my favourite. Yeah a plumber doesn't know what tool is right for the job until he sees what the problem is, but then he fixes the problem with them. What he doesn't do it take them OUT of his tool bag, call someone ELSE to fix the actual problem and then charge you for 'complimentary plumbing'.
Oh these people make me sick to my stomach. I hate them with the power of a thousand suns. They should be illegal, they should be hounded in groups and pelted with tomatoes. They should be horsewhipped. They should -every single one of them- be made have a disclaimer with 'we're are charlatans, charlatans are we' under all their amazing claims.
I've just heard a long and plaintive wail from my kitchen. Using my own mental telepathy I can 'sense' the bigger of the cats wants to be let out.
Zounds! I was right.
Where can I hang my plaque announcing my 'unique and fucking awesome power'?
I remember the lilac biological incubator attempting to get me to bring Puddy to a 'faith Healer' when she had her run in with cancer that time. I chose the vet, assuming, as most good pet owners will, that she needed medical attention far more than she needed some gruesome quack 'laying' his gnarly hands on her. Puddy is at this moment killing the circulation to my lower legs and purring up a storm. Imagine that. Without the 'inner ancient knowledge of the spirit world' my vet was able to tackle what could have ended her life quick smart.
If you need a bloody quack to mentally read what's troubling your dog you need to stop having a dog, seriously. Get a gold fish.
Quacks, I am so firmly against them it makes little squeaks of incandescent rage escape me unbidden.
I hope you feel better now after you got that out of your system. Seriously though they are quite mental, it is terribly that those of the more gullible variety can be feely taken advantage off. Money for nothing when you think of it, does the Sales of Goods and Services Act not have a roll to play here ye know, like what exactly are the selling? It’s a rather gray area. Do you believe is hypnosis or acupuncture?
ReplyDeleteI believe you can convince people who want to be convinced. And I'm deeply skeptical about acupuncture, but that's just me. When Medbh wakes up she'll be able to tell you that her dog Jack is improved from it, so I could be totally wrong about it. After all she has tangible evidence.
ReplyDeleteI hate rip-off merchants unless your selling something that is clearly evident it shouldn't be allowed. I was gonna get acupunture on my hip provided they don't make me get nekkid off course. I don’t know all this flow of energy shite is hardly plausible and every time I think of acupuncture I think of Feng Shui. As for the hypnosis one of my mates, 'easily lead' is her middle name and way the odds where stacked against her and she is up the duff and is going to see a hypnotist so she can have a pain free natural child birth.
ReplyDeleteA pain free birth? ahahaha, A natural birth sure, if she can cope why not, but pain free? Oh snarf.
ReplyDeletei've had plenty of friends vow that acupuncture is the only way to go. i've watched it first hand a few times - once the acupuncturist lined the needles up, and immediately after inserting the last one the patients back went back into alignment. i believe it has more to do with triggering nerves than energy flow, but that's just me.
ReplyDeletepersonally, i prefer to go to a medical professional before resorting to 'alternative' therapies. same for the critters - although i've yet to find a competent vet in this yuppie-scum ridden poor excuse of a city.
Urgh, I hear you, sometimes finding a good vet is harder than finding a Faberge egg in Tescos.
ReplyDeleteO how we laughed when she relayed this to us but at the same time should it work I will sign myself up shoud I ever find myself in such an unfortunite position still though it is a bit risky sticking with real medics maybe be more reliable at least that way you can just be put asleep and have the little dinger cut out.
ReplyDeleteThe thing with animal acupuncture is that there's no placebo effect. Jack doesn't know what's going on other than he knows he'd rather not be at the vet's office. That dog could barely walk and had but one serviceable limb left and is now much improved. But I wouldn't class acupuncture with the rest of the new age blather that FMC exposed here. It has a chartable reaction that you can explain with science. The guy who does it is also a vet. Many insurance providers cover the treatment for people.
ReplyDeleteAs for all the other stuff, there's a sucker born every minute.
"Tapas acupressure"? Do they placate you with delicious little bits of food on tiny plates before kneading their knuckles into your flesh?
ReplyDeleteYeah Meabh my VHI covers me I am a bit skeptical not to mention afraid. Did it really work? I do not know of anybody who has had it done.
ReplyDeleteAnd FMC Finnegan at the Walkinstown round about is good.
Friday - 2:30pm: My brother gets acupuncture for a persistent chest infection.
ReplyDeleteFriday - 8pm: My brother has a vindaloo curry.
Saturday - 10am: My brother is whinging and moaning about 'stomach cramps' (ha, just sit on the loo for a bit you'll be grand bro)
Saturday - 6pm: My brother has emergency surgery to remove his appendix.
I ain't saying it was one thing or the other but there is some substantial evidence there which leads us to .... some ... conclusion.
Right?
I think the real service these quacks provide is listening and touching. People who resort to them mostly need somebody to give them lots of attention, and by proxy, if their pet is getting treatment (i.e.attention), they can talk to the practitioner all through the "treatment". I think a lot of the more extreme stuff started in the US. The samaritans do the same job, for free. I think acupuncture/acupressure might work in the sense that if you stick a needle into the body, blood rushes to the spot, circulation speeds up and the immune system comes into play to heal. You could do it yourself with a good hard pinch. Where I find it infuriating is when they take advantage of people with terminal illness. My ex colleague, who died last October from pancreatic cancer was inundated with offers of help from various esoteric practitioners - all with very costly procedures, quack remedies, magic herbs etc. etc. Shameful. He was desperate to believe and prepared to try anything to live.
ReplyDeleteBlessed is he who cannot see, but still believes.
ReplyDeleteFMC. This has been going on for as long as there have been human beings and it's all about the money.
Ahh jesus damn yee anyway I booked a session for tonight in Rathgar. I am very scared now.
ReplyDeleteNonny, I suggest you cancel the session and spend the money on a pair of super new shoes - excellent therapy, and something to show for your dosh.
ReplyDeleteFMC, thank you for summing up my feelings in an eloquent and entertaining post.
ReplyDeleteI did buy new bouncy shoes as it happens but it is hard to walk in them I find myself resorting back to my oldie stinky shoes. I think I'll give this shit thing a go and see what happens there may well be tears but hey there is really only one way to find out if something works and that is to try it yourself, the mofo bro is coming along so I should be ok. Peace out ma homies, see ye on the flip side!
ReplyDeleteThe Bi-aura association is pants. We (I mean me but others are welcome to join as soon as their £500 cheque has cleared) at the TRI-aura association are the real experts on Auras and Aural related healing. We all have (and I mean me again) a nice framed colour certificate done in Photoshop) on the wall to prove it.
ReplyDeleteConsultations are £50 an hour but you can save money by buying a course of 10 for £450. I promise at least one of us won't be disappointed.
Just because Im a contrary shite, Im gonna say that some of the alternative therapies do work.
ReplyDelete"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy"
Now i sound pompous and contrary...
I have to swim through people like this, some days here. Our local paper has an occasional pet psychic column, as does the weekly free paper.
ReplyDeleteOddly enough, the animal psychics are often English, soft-spoken English ladies.
I'm always being urged to keep an open mind on it. Some - not all at all - but some people's minds here are so open the reason has fallen right out.
Huh. I spent a half an hour chasing down a sick cat this morning in order to shove a pill down her throat and squirt some antibiotics in her mouth. I love that there are people out there who claim that, for a fee, they could have 'whispered' her off the dresser or out from under the bed, rather than having SPOUSE push her out with a broom.
ReplyDeleteDo you think she'll need therapy after all this? Well, she's not fucking getting it. I don't care what the white pajama'd hippies have to say. Long as she's alive, and healthy, she can sulk and have her 'issues' and hate me for the rest of her life because she doesn't feel supported emotionally. Feeding, petting, and life-saving medicine from a licensed veterinarian will just have to do.
Oh Andraste, you sound tense and irritable, I sense-somehow- that you and your cat at are not having a fulfilled emotionally rewarding meeting of the minds. Allow me to facilitate.
ReplyDeletemmmmmmm She is telling me-telepathically and on a higher frequency than non highly trained telepaths can hear- that if you even try that shit with her tomorrow there will be skin loss and if she had opposable thumbs she'd shove that broom where the sun does most surely not shine. Does this mean anything to you?
Wow, I must say, my certificate proving my awesome skill and powers that I bought/earned from Benders awesome a fully legit Tri-aural school is totally tops, and I urge you ALL to go get one/sign up for a coarse Immediately.
Andraste, I believe you own me some monies? Now she's telling me prompt payments are preferred.
Huh. The check's in the mail.
ReplyDeleteAnd people PAY to hear this shit? They might as well just set fire to their money.
ReplyDeleteMore evidence to my theory that the higher we evolve, the stupider we become.
Yeah, I’d class acupuncture and Reiki differently. I get great relief for my sinuses with needles in my face ;~) , but he is a GP as well so I’m cheating a little.
ReplyDeleteHad one experience of Reiki earlier this year when stressed and not eating properly, a friend recommended a practitioner in Cork. I was skeptical, but your one was terribly nice and listened for ages, which might have been her real service. Then I’d to lie on a couch while she waved her hands over my body, wha …? The oddest part of the session came when I heard a rattle and then something small was put on my torso, I asked what was happening and she explained that to find out which supplement I needed she was placing each box on my body to get an indication, for chrissake! Although ten minutes later I did burst into tears, which I do not credit to whichever box of pills was lying on my tum, but more likely to be caused by thinking about the cause of the stress.
I didn’t go again, but did get my appetite back two days later. Still think it's claptrap though.
Got acupunctured yesterday, I wasn’t terrible impressed. They where terribly nice but talked about channels and energy etc which bores the shite out of me to say the least. Anyway it was a bit touchy feely for my liking, I did feel brief relief but am convinced it was psychosomatic. Any good that was done was erased by my attempts to re-enact the shuffle to Rhythm is a Dancer in the wee hours of this morning. Bring back Deep Heat all is forgiven. Acupuncture my ass.
ReplyDeleteStress is a bitch, but a necessary bitch some times. Like you say the fact that this woman listened to you was probably what helped. If they'd just call themselves listeners and stop with the fucking mumbo jumbo I had nothing bad to say about them at all, but when the woo and the ridiculous claims come into play it chaps my think hide.
ReplyDeleteLK, people inject botox into their faces. People are idiots.
Acupuncture my ass.
ReplyDeleteIt must be a very localised problem you have then...
Ahem, there is nothing wrong with my ass thank you.
ReplyDeleteNonny, now doncha wish you'd spent the dosh on shoes or some nice lacy silk knickers?
ReplyDeleteI am not a lacy silk knickers kinda girl (Did you not see my jarmmerz) but shoes well that’s a different story, the 80 Euro could well have contributed to the shinny shinny red Bally shoes I plan on buying in one Kildare outlet tomorrow. As the say in France shit in a bucket fuck it, no point crying over spilt cider, the eternal optimist in me assures all is not lost, at least I know now.
ReplyDeleteahah love it! In total agreement - hate all this guff. FMC if you'd ever like me to tell you about my experience of easily becoming the top rated 'psychic' on one of those tarot lines I think it might make you explode with rage
ReplyDeletewow you are one hateful person!
ReplyDeletewhatever, believe what you want to believe. but jesus learn to settle down over shit that has nothing to do with you.
get over it! haha
WOW! Your amazing and thoughtful post has made me TOTALLY reconsider. I'm SOO glad you bothered your hole taking time contact me with your profound insight. I'm so super glad you understand the difference between being 'hateful' and not falling for bullshit. HA HA!
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