Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I hate Reiki.

I'm against it!
Phooey, bosh, chicanery, poppycockery! Panacea for the idiotic, mumbo jumbo bollockology, healing for the unhealable. Spit spit, hack cough, spit! We hates it, oh yes.
There are very few words in use today that can instill a greater sense of rage and loathing in me than reiki. Typing it makes my back teeth clench, my brow lower and my nostrils wrinkle in feral rage. Even the words 'child abuser' don't make me as incensed.
For some reason reiki, the snake oil crappola wankfest that it, is very popular in this island. I don't understand how this can be except to ponder that many fools and their money are very easily parted.
Frankly I think the practicioners of this shite should be taken to a public square and horse whipped to within an inch of the miserable charlatan lives. After which, when they complain of the pain, they should be told 'channel some fucking energy and heal yourself you snake oil peddler!' and perhaps have salt flung on them.
The fact that anyone can set themselves up as a 'healer' should alert people to the fact that reiki- spit spit- is a load of old hooey. As I said to someone yesterday, I can set myself up here, buy a massage couch, incense, a chart of the human body locating the 'chakras' (glossy naturally) and perhaps a CD of fucking whale sounds or water running (to save money I propose leaving a tap on somewhere) and hey presto changeo I too am a reiki practicioner. Now I can 'heal' folk without ever touching them by locating their 'chi' and unblocking their 'chakras' and 'channeling healing energy' towards any ailment that my dupe, no, wait scratch that, client might have.
If I pay some money to someone else I can become a 'master reiki' in less than a month, then I can teach other charlatans to become 'Masters' and whop di friggen do, we're all rubbing our hands together- but only to awaken our inner healing heat you understand.
Now you can also do 'distant healing' this negates the need for an office at all! You simply send me a list of your problems and I send healing energy, for a small fee of course. How cool it that? I can be painting my nails on a Saturday while sorting out your back pain and colon cancer or gum disease. Feel the power rubes, feel it!
It enrages me that this shite is considered 'complimentary medicine'. Complimentary suggests it goes hand in hand with traditional medicine, boosting its powers and providing much needed assistance.
It isn't.
It's a leech. It latches on to the sick and the infirm, sticking its filthy suckers into them, filling their head with hogwash and twee terminology, content to trick and pilfer the funds of people who are either A) foolish enough to fall for it, or B), so ill that they will desperately try anything.
I don't care at all about A, but I care a very great deal about B.
Reiki is the pilot fish of medicine, content to trail in the wake of real healing, nibbling like a parasite on what it finds, content to bottom feed because it know it can do no more than that.
Reiki, I'm against it!



Anonymous ainelivia said...

Well that got you in lather.

Reiki is a relaxation method. It is not a cure for anything, and anyone who is marketing it as such should be taken out and.... no won't go that far....I'd get annoyed...

Is there no regulatory body in Ireland? I just kind of wondering, I suppose there is money to be made in teaching, but surely if enough people learn, then the market will be saturated with practioners and then it will have peaked.

Nice post.

12:31 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You simply send me a list of your problems and I send healing energy, for a small fee of course.

how much we talkin'?

and can i get a happy ending with that?

1:04 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My cousin's convinced he can do distance healing.

It's never worked on me, mind. We leave him to it, seeing as he doesn't charge anyone and it keeps him off the streets.

1:58 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a load of old fucking shite. Massages are one thing, but Christ on a hovercraft, how could waving your hands a few inches from someone's face calm them down. If someone started doing that to me I'd puck them in the jaw.

2:33 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Morning Ainelivia, I don't believe there is a regulatory body for this kind of thing here. What would a board look for any way.
'Did you heal anyone sir?
'Oh yes, thousands.'
'Bridget Byrne. She had a terrible yeast infection but I released the chakra for her nethers and sent healing rays of light to her lady patch.'
'Was she taking any kind of medication?'
'Oh yes, Caniston I believe.'
'Is it possible Master Reiki Healer dude that it was the medicine that healed her?'
'Perhaps it might have in the long run, but without my healing light and energy it might not have, complimentary you see I yined her yang big time.'

Finn I can't guarantee the happy ending unless you open your spiritual internal heart to the positive life forces, but if you're willing to send an extra fifty on top my original fee I can also send positive energy and healing life force to any future injury you might have, so if you fall and sprain an ankle I want you to fully understand and accept that it would have been a nasty break if not for the higher power I sent to watch and guide you. Sure it's a steal at half the price.
SW, don't be too sure, if he can really distant heal he can do it from any street corner he wishes. He could be doing it right now.

2:35 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Kav, go to, sit back and feel the...well whatever emotion floats through you. Mine was hot unbridled scorn, tempered with disbelief.

2:38 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From the site:

What can be treated?
Reiki has assisted in healing almost all known diseases.

I'd like to see some evidence of that, please. While I sit and arch my eyebrow skeptically.

2:54 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Ah, 'assisted' you say. How tricksy of them.

2:56 p.m.  
Anonymous ainelivia said...

Hi fmc, you still got me laughing.

Ok I take your point. Either people know when they are being fed a lunch of kitty food or they don't.

But it is seriously unethical for anyone to offer "healing" to someone who they know is in need of serious medical attention, and not recommend they get it, pronto.

7:46 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Damn straight missus.

9:14 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, it's all part of the bullshit-continuum, which includes homeopathy and fung shway.

You'll know them because they say "energies", not "energy".

It's bollocks, and I blame Duncan Stewart, the cunt.

11:53 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I had to look up reiki to see what it was. Any day now I'm going to get kicked out of California for not knowing this stuff.

I went to a dream interpretation with a friend who desperately wanted to go but not by herself. (I'm was an insomniac at the time - the chance to even have a dream to interpret was just an impossible dream for me). Anyway at the beginning and the end we all had to hold hands in a circle and reach out to each other's third eyes creating spiritual bonds of trust and trying to connect to the Universal Spirit. Thank God it was an eyes closed exercise as it tickled some bone in me so funny that I could feel the veins in my forehead throbbing with the effort of not laughing - all i could think of was great eyes on springs boinging out from everyone's foreheads and waggling around trying to touch each other. Then I felt like a tourist taking advantage of their trust in me not to laugh at what they sincerely believed was going on. So with much mental energy exerted trying to think of desperately unfunny things I managed to squirm my way through the 4 sessions.

It was un-fookin-believable though. There we all were waggling our 3rd eyes at each other. I tried to feel it, I did, but I fear I might never be able to "get" it. All I got was a headache. and I think I got caught too. My friend could tell from the tremors coming through my hand that I was shaking with exquisitely painful giggles when we had our trust circle.

I heard some cracking dreams though and some interesting autobiographies.

1:19 a.m.  
Anonymous ainelivia said...

Showed this to my significant other last night, and after we laughed and in turn were shocked that anyone would seriously offer Reiki as a method of healing anything, I suddenly had this vague memory return to me.

I was ten, and had trouble with the muscles in my left leg. Daily Physiotherapy was recomended, which my Mother supplemented with visits to the local St Brigid's Shrine where I had to paddle in the stream, and this was during the winter months. That made me laugh even harder realising that the root of the wish to believe in fairies, goes much further back than alternative therapies.

7:17 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh dead lord, fairies? Snarf. My mother brings her dog to a faith healer, we had a right old bust up about it when Puddy was ill with the cancer. She kept insisting I bring her along to this guy who could 'hear' the animals and what they were 'talking about.' She said then he would no the right path to take. I said the best path was probably to the vet's door and so on... very annoying.
I swear how I didn't throttle her at the time I'll never know.
Bock baby, when your're right your right! Feng shite, never bought into that either.
Sam, springs! That was one of the best mental images I've ever had. And now I can never got to another yoga practice again as the much ballyhooed 'third eye' is mentioned there on a regular basis.

9:42 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Perhaps the reason why you HATE Reiki so because deep down inside, you sense it's truth- and that frightens you. I don't mean to say that as a negative thing. Reiki sometimes does that to people. And it usually means that they don't want to feel. I don't mean the "anger feeling"- such as yours, I mean.... REALLY feel the truth. I don't ever push or try to sell Reiki to anyone, because it's not FOR everyone. It's actually a very gentle art that eventually brings you back to yourself...and that's why it offends many people. It allows you to accept yourself....not change yourself. It's unfortunate that many practitioners allow their egos to get in the way and they start to "colorize" what Reiki REALLY is, and that's simply love.
I honestly wish you well!

4:38 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh you got me pinned all right. Fo' shizzle, how could I have been so blind...and so on.

9:36 p.m.  
Blogger Marissa said...

I am reiki second level. I do not charge. lol

I found your post hilarious. *grins

I agree with some of it, I certainly think there are a lot out there who try to get money for doing basically nothing or very little. I got it mostly for my own spiritual enhancement etc.

I think you are a talented writer, certainly colorful!

6:45 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't even want to know what powers a second level reiki do-er might think they have. I really don't, but welcome anyway.

9:53 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see a lot of Reiki Practitioners practicing the ancient eastern art of wallet-enlightenment and now they can do it from a distance, ideal. That means you can't hit them. Is it subtle healing energies/placebo/self-delusion or just bollocks ?
I can't decide. Just because somebody means well and likes making money doesn't mean they are enlightened, but this Reiki stuff gives thousands of these smug cunts the accreditation they require to be even smugger and more holier than thou/youse. There is no regulatory system because how can there be if there is no proof it even works and you can do it by distance which really sounds dodgy. Thre are no doubt many healers out there who sincerely are devoted to helping and healing people but the are just so many smug self serving distance attuning ebay shit wankers who should be shot.

11:08 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see a lot of Reiki Practitioners practicing the ancient eastern art of wallet-enlightenment and now they can do it from a distance, ideal. That means you can't hit them. Is it subtle healing energies/placebo/self-delusion or just bollocks ?
I can't decide. Just because somebody means well and likes making money doesn't mean they are enlightened, but this Reiki stuff gives thousands of these smug cunts the accreditation they require to be even smugger and more holier than thou/youse. There is no regulatory system because how can there be if there is no proof it even works and you can do it by distance which really sounds dodgy. Thre are no doubt many healers out there who sincerely are devoted to helping and healing people but the are just so many smug self serving distance attuning ebay shit wankers who should be shot.

11:08 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, thanks for posting such a wonderful blog.

I understand your desire to vent your spleen, I myself have met many people who claim to have "this that or the other" reiki.

My theory is that it was set up by some canny MLM people, who thought, "I know we can get people to give their money to us for... get this, .... absolute diddlysquat! We can then arrange a 3/4/5/25 tier system which we can use to get more money out of the said people." Smacks of the same kind of stuff that the Scientologists get up to... That and every other guru/spritual leader/whathaveyou who are hell bent on putting themselves ontop of the pile of spiritual clap trap. Same thing happened many years ago with the Catholic church too (give us your alms people!)

I think the bigger picture needs addressing here.

Truth and love cost nothing.

Why pay to have someone give you a hug, when you can go and give people hugs for free...Or even hug a tree if its your thing.

Capitalism has a lot to answer for...

11:35 a.m.  
Blogger knit. sew. paint. throw. said...

haha your post has me laughing

ALL of my girlfriends are into reiki. and they are constantly trying to get me into it.. it reminds me somewhat of a cult, so i've avoided discussing it with them like the plague

8:39 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It is rather culty isn't it. My advice to you is slap them whenever they bring it up, for some reason that works really well.

11:16 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The relivance of my feelings for Reiki don't matter at this point. What bothers me is your extreme sense of anger, rage. The fact that something can make you that angry should tell you that one way or another, you need some help.

Good luck with that.

Peace & Namaste'

11:22 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh dear, try not to conflate anger and contempt towards liars and fraudsters into some kind mental break.
Your pointless passive aggressive twaddle doesn't tally me banana much either. Good luck with THAT.

2:44 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't believe in reiki either, but they do make a good point. You are wrapped up in blind, pointless anger. Maybe reiki isn't the cure for you, but perhaps a few visits with Dr. Freud?

1:35 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Meh, I don't think I need it. Besides, there's nothing pointless to it. It's very pointed.

11:48 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that this report on reiki is stupid, you obviously know nothing about it. It is real. My aunt does reiki and she knows so much. Anyone who does reiki is a loving, kind and caring creature. Reiki is all about love and is there to help people. For you to criticise it like that is absoloutley unforgivable. However, the reiki powers aren't a place of hate, love is their strongest energy and i think you should consider the fact that it can heal many sick people, maybe not heal their wounds, maybe not save their lives, but it heals their soul and i KNOW for a FACT that it helps. It has helped my brother who has been diagnosed with severe autism, and it helps many other people. So maybe, before you criticise reiki, get to know it better.

9:52 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are the saddest, craziest bitch ever....get a life you sad cow and you might enjoy yourself. Yeah. I'm opiniated too and you're probably shit at everything that's why you're so bitter

2:46 p.m.  
OpenID fatmammycat said...

Weeeeeell now, angry people calling me angry but anonymous as well!
Your 'aunt' doens't do anything numbnuts. She's delusional.


5:34 p.m.  
OpenID fatmammycat said...

No, wait wait, so sorry. Why don't y'all try 'heal' me with some distance healing. Or oooh, go for the real good shit the 'laser reiki!' That ought to do it

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Blogger Super said...

Oh my god, reading through the responses are hilarious! Fatmammycat, I can't believe people are accusing you of having anger issues because your intelligent enough to realize that any imaginary/subconscious therapy should be free!

Reiki practitioners are selling GOOD WILL. Any decent humanitarian would have issues with this.
A few of the responses also reminds me of cult psychology...where you have logically gone against something clearly unreasonable and, deluded idiots (that clearly don't live in the real world) are so short sighted as to totally discredit what you are saying by focusing on something completely besides the point, such as your "anger" (usually in an attempt to dehumanize you)making them blind sighted to any communicated reason.

And Reiki is bullshit. It's meditation sold to upper middle class to solve their phantom problems, please people, get back to the real world.

And all you peace loving hippies out there if you believed reiki is about love then it would be a free practice and not sold primarily as business. You are technically trying to franchise love.

F* you.

And I bet you reiki practitioners genuinely believe that they are doing a good job...that's the problem when you base things outside can claim whatever you want ...I think I'm gona start a new job as a "karma-taxman" anyone want to join? All you have to do is believe in karma....?

4:36 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reiki and everyone that i have met thats associated with it has made my life a living Hell. I think it sucks. I have no intention on learning it. Its spread like a virus throughout Michigan where it is rumored to be headquarted, (think authority center). I am getting away from as many as these people as possible but its been a futile effort. I am going to do whatever it takes to get away from these new age psychopaths.

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Blogger Sonja Pointer said...

This is well said..if you have to pay to become some magic healer...your not...if you have to say your a professional ...your sick of reiki fakeee

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

my brother is a "reiki master"and i told him that reiki is shit,so that makes him a "shit master"i cannot believe there are so many fools eager to part with their money.

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