Thursday, February 16, 2006


Sweet mother of the sacred divine...there is not one, hear me, one, piece of my decrepit body that does not ache in a new and painful way. My shins are swollen and my stomach is black and blue. I am going to the gym to cycle for a while and then lie face down in the whirlpool until the jets pummel my blood back to life.
The added advantage to going this early is the catching the old ladies dance class. Fantastic. They are a vibrant group of about twelve, all in their sixties. They wear little leotards and leggings alá Fame, and do a sort of gently whirling tai chi styled aerobic dance. Their trainer is about forty and as camp as christmas. I'm fairly certain I"ve seen him on my later nights out doing slightly more convoluted moves. He is trim and bejeweled and wears the tiniest shorts imaginable. For some strange reason he wears a headpiece microphone, even though the dance room is not that big and the acoustics mean you can here even the most casually spoken word. Naturally the ladies love him and he flirts outrageously with them.
'Come on Margie, don't make me come down there sweetie!'
'Alice, I said tree, but think oak dear, not willow. Get 'em up girl, you can do that can't you, I heard you're a bit of a goer!'
'Come on girls, let's go...and a one, two, three, let's trip the light fandango! You wanna be limber dontcha! Don't want to be stiff, that's no good, that won't impess him!'
Much tittering ensues.
Every single one of them leaves that room smiling. Maybe I should mention it to the harpy downstairs.


Blogger Dr Maroon said...

I will kiss your bruises better (telepathically).
I would like a job like what he's got. I could camp it up. It'd be better than this. I think.

1:21 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Yes, but could you do it in tiny satin-esque shorts?

1:31 p.m.  
Blogger LindyK said...

No matter how hot the body, men in teeny tiny shorts just look wrong...

3:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

The dance instructor is usually clad in very nice clobber in fairness, but every so often he breaks out the teeny tiny satin-esque shorts and then it is Hello Dorothy momma's here! He had all the ladies shaking their booties to Shakira today, priceless.

3:14 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Satinesque? No bother. Comfy!

There's a man plays squash at our bit and what a well named game.
His shorts are not only right up his crack, but they also split his meat and two veg into two very visible distinct groupings.
ie meat and one veg on one side and the other veg on the other. It's mental to see. He has obviously kept his shorts from school, they've got pockets and everything.

5:19 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

How retro of him! That is not as alarming as chaps who don't wear any underwear at all and play games in loose sweat pants/tracksuit bottoms -always grey. I could count the change in their pockets, if you know what I mean.

7:01 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Who would play a sport with change in their pocket?

And Maroon, you don't have to stare at the man in the short shorts, you know...

9:46 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I used to go swimming with a chap Twenty, wore these little red shorts that became practically see through when wet. I and every other lady would just gawk at his remarkable lad and it bobbled about. None of us ever mentioned this reaction his pants had to water and he seemed not to notice-or if he did, he didn't give a damn. And I promise you, you could count the...well you either get it or you don't.

10:16 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

There's not much gayer than little red shorts.

10:24 p.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

These gays seem to be talented people, but I hear they get quite bitchy if you say the wrong thing. Whatever happened to Danny La Roux? She was a man, right?

10:24 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

My gay friends are incredibly bitchy and gossipy whores. But I don't mind, they seem to thrive on it, rather like house pants do when you don't over water them.
They can smell weakness too. The secret, GB, is to never tell them anything important about yourself. Not unless you want to hear it back two weeks later.

10:28 p.m.  
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